Eva

“Look!”

I turn around from the waiter who’s handing me a large coconut drink and catch sight of my friend. Jeon’s leaning over the railing of the large cruise ship and pointing to something in the water below. I shake my head and make my way over. Navigating my way around crowds of happy, energetic people, I take a small sip of my drink.

“What?” I say. “This pina colada is awesome, even if it’s served in a coconut.”

I giggle because it’s been a long two months and now, I’m finally on vacation. Jeon watches me as I walk over, rolling her eyes.

“You could have waited an hour before getting alcohol,” she says. I smirk at her.

“Whatevs, we’re on vacation! Loosen up! Besides, what are you pointing at?”

Jeon gestures again, and I lean over the railing to look down. Ignoring the twist of my stomach at the fast-moving ocean underneath us, I spot a shining fin.

“Oh wow, dolphins,” I breathe, trying to look closer.

There are three or four blue-grey fins that I can see in the wake of the cruise ship.

“I knew you would love it,” my friend says clapping her hands. “It’s a sign!”

I step back from the railing to take another long drag of my pina colada. To my dismay, I’m already beginning to slurp from the bottom, even though I just got the drink.

“A sign of what?” I ask.

Jeon shrugs her lovely shoulders and grins. “I don’t know, good luck, maybe?”

I make a face.

“You’re looking for good luck signs when we’re going to be on a boat in the middle of the ocean? Uh oh. Does that mean I should put on my life vest?”

She rolls her eyes at me, again.

“Will you stop it? You’re going to adore this cruise. You’ve been working nonstop for months, girlfriend. You just got back from another long work trip! You deserve this.”

I watch my bestie glare at me over the rim of her sunglasses and take another sip of my drink. I look out over the open ocean, the sun turning the water into diamonds. She’s right, Eva, I tell myself. You do deserve a break.  I smile again.

“Okay,” I say. “Come on, let’s go and sit.” We make our way to some deck chairs and stretch out under the sun. The warmth of the rays feels so good, and slowly, my muscles relax. I’m a curvy girl, but I’m not afraid to flaunt what I’ve got. I spread my brown curly hair behind me and shift a bit to get comfortable in my one-piece.

Meanwhile, Jeon’s being utterly shameless. She’s curvy just like me, and she literally whips off her top to reveal a bikini top underneath. It’s tiny, and her big boobs strain at the fabric.

“Jeon!” I hiss, scandalized.

“What?” she says, ignoring me while leaning back. “Tiny swimsuits are in, girl! Don’t you know everyone’s wearing barely-there bikinis these days? Besides, we’re on a cruise so my attire is totally appropriate.” Before I can say more, Jeon winks slyly at a man passing by, who nods to her over his own coconut drink.

“Who knows, maybe you’ll meet a guy!” she continues airily, watching as the man walks away. He does have a nice bum, even if he looks to be about fifty.

“I don’t want to meet a guy,” I retort. “Besides, why is it always about a guy with you?”

She shrugs airily.

“I think the more important question is, why isn’t it ever about a guy with you? How can you like being alone all the time? You’re going to end up being that crazy old lady with a hundred cats.”

I pout.

“I hate cats.”

Jeon sighs like a tortured soul bearing witness to her friend’s descent into spinsterhood.

“No you don’t. Besides, you know what I mean, Eva. I worry about you sometimes.”

I look over at her, rolling my eyes.

“Why? I have a great life.”

“You do not because all you do is work.”

“I do other things,” I say, kind of stung now. Jeon sighs.

“You know I love you, Eva, but name two other things you do besides work.”

I hold up my free hand and begin to tick off items.

“I travel all over the world.”

“For work,” Jeon interrupts.

“I meet all kinds of different people and learn about different cultures,” I continue, ignoring her.

“For work,” she says again.

“I…”

She raises her eyebrows waiting for me to finish.

“So what?” I said defensively. “I love my job as a wildlife photographer. How many people can say that? Most people hate what they do to make money.” My friend smiles.

“You’re right. Not a lot of people can say that they love their jobs, but they can say they love another human being.”

I ponder for a moment. “I love you.”

Jeon shakes her head. “Doesn’t count. I mean a man.”

I frown.

“I love men! Remember Danny and Jordan? They were men!”

Jeon sighs.

“Yeah, but Danny and Jordan were hook-ups, girlfriend. They weren’t relationship material, especially after what you told me about Danny with his lack of hygiene. But anyways, hook-ups are fine, don’t get me wrong, but we’re not in college anymore. You should be looking for a relationship. You know, the real thing.”

I roll my eyes.

“You’re so dramatic,” I tell her. “I’ve had relationships before, just not long ones. Besides, who made it a rule that a woman has to have long term relationships all the time? Men don’t have to, so why should I?”

A gust of wind blows Jeon’s hair in her face. Swiping at her brown curls, she nods.

“No one. You’re right, there’s definitely a double standard there. But I just want you to be happy, Eva, and I feel like you haven’t been truly happy since…well, you know…”

I look out over the water and fall silent. I know what she’s talking about, but I try not to think about it. It isn’t easy. Jeon knows there’s something missing in my life, and furthermore, I know there’s something missing. I know what it is, too. I just don’t want to go after it because life is much less complicated without it.

“That was two years ago,” I say stiffly. “I’m fine.”

My buddy looks at me from the corner of her eye, and I can swear I see pity in her gaze. But I don’t acknowledge it because if I acknowledge it, it’ll make everything hurt more. She takes a deep breath.

“You’re not fine. You’re punishing yourself and you shouldn’t.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say in a short voice.

Jeon doesn’t respond to my tone, and we merely sit in silence for a few moments.

“Come on,” she says in a soothing voice. “I want another coconut drink. Don’t you?”

Laughing, I give in. I stand up and offer her a hand. But I’m not totally done talking about this yet.

“I appreciate you making me come, Jeon, really,” I tell her. “You’re my bestie and you’re only looking out for me. I know that you’re only trying to help but sometimes, I just need to relax. So no more talk about men, or my lack thereof, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah,” she responds with a smile.

I smile too and we stroll companionably to the bar. We enjoy the rest of the day on the boat, and after a great dinner and long night giggling and gossiping, we make our way to our rooms.

My cabin isn’t bad. It’s about as big as a shoebox, but for one person, it’s fine. The bunk folds out from the wall, and I have a small round porthole. Right now, it’s totally dark so I can’t see anything, but tomorrow, I’m going to open the window to catch some of the ocean breeze. In the meantime, I’m going to sleep, dreaming of palm trees and warm sands.