Whenever I wake up,night or day,I look through my window.
Today my heart feels hollow, heavy.
My mood rivals the cloudy storm forming outside my window.
I have no desire to be outside today but I have to meet up with my boyfriend and best friend.I wasn't in the mood for their constant bickering.i have tried all i can to make them get along but it is to no avail,but they still insist on hanging out together.
"My weirdos"…I smile thinking about them.
I've known my best friend since 7th grade and we'ev been inseparable...we are complete opposite,she is tall,slim, blond,has a body of a goddess with a smile that brightens up a room when she walks in.she pulls boys like magnet,plus she's a total extrovert.a party animal infact.it doesn't bother me that I don't have the kind of attention she gets.i quite like it in fact because I like to blend in with the crowd,I don't like any sort of attention because I tend to stutter really badly when a stranger tries to start a conversation with me ….
I wouldn't call my self unattractive,but I am the exact opposite of her, while she is all that.
I am on the shorter side, with dark waist length untamable hair,curvy, Petite and shy.
My boyfriend is my first and we have been together for 2years.
Early on in our relationship I had serious insecurities about my body our relationship because I fear he wasn't really attracted to me.
Our relationship is sexless..yes you heard me.we didn't really do much intimacy and I felt my boyfriend didn't really wanna pressure me into sex because I have never had sex and he was totally okay with respecting me until I was ready, but it started to bother me 10 months into the relationship when he would not even try kiss me more than 5 minutes.
His excuse was that he didn't want to scare me and make me worry that he just wanted me for my body.
I believed him for almost two years, now our 2 year anniversary is around the corner and he still hasn't made any move to try more intimacy and it's beginning to bother me.i woke up really sad because my insecurities are back with a vengeance.
What if he doesn't find me attractive,what if he doesn't have romantic feelings towards me,what if am not attractive.
What if ,,,,,,,,what if ,,,,,,,,,what ifs.
So many what ifs.i hate feeling this way.
The loud ringing tone of my phone breaks me out of my thoughts.
Sighting,I move to pick it up from the dresser.
Oh shit, My boyfriend.
"Hey baby,are you up yet or did I wake you up?"
"Yes am up baby"I reply,stifling a yawn.
"You sound really tired . what time did you get off work?"
"5:30…….I had to cover another shift"
"Oh okay,,,am picking you up in an hour..Dress really sexy" he says before hanging up
I sigh again..I have been doing that alot lately.
I really need to talk to Damon about how am feeling as soon as possible.
It keeps ruining my mood and I don't like it.
After a few minutes of sloppy half asleep attempt to make coffee,I finally did it….I sat down in the kitchen sipping the coffee,going through my email to see if I have gotten any reply from the day jobs I applied to .
My door bell ringing startles me,making me jump,dropping the cup on the counter I scramble to the door.. Camille is here.and I haven't even taken a shower…urgh.
Opening the door my best friend engulf me in a warm hug.
I hug her back subtle sniffing her.
"You haven't even showered yet" She said stiffling a laugh.
"Shut up mill, I had a rough night" I reply groaning.
"Oh I know darling…channel bag got nothing on your eye bags" she says giggling.
"Don't make fun of me"
"Sorry darling" she hug me again.. petting my hair.."should we rain check?,call Damon and cancel,we can go to the club some other time…though I would hate to miss the club opening today but then you look so stressed out"
Our eyes meet.a beat pass,and we both groan at the same time.
"I need to go out Camille,I don't have a life outside of work"
"I know…..I Know" Camille reply sighing "you look so stressed out and I just feel you should rest "
"Don't worry,am fine."I assure her." I just need to take a shower,Slap some makeup on and am good"
Shuffling to the bathroom I hear my phone ping
"Reply my massage Camille,must be Damion" i shout from the bathroom.
"Sure babe"...."we are going to look so hot today ,then I can find me a gorgeous man to take home" she squeal the last part
Shaking my head,I laugh. Camille is always excited about about her one night stands.
Am me,I haven't even gotten around to popping the cherry.
I hear faint knocking as turned on the shower and start leathering my body with soap..
I hurriedly shower and wash my hair..noting that I will have trouble taming my hair today if I wouldn't be able to straighten them.
Drying off I hurriedly leave the bathroom,padding to my bedroom I hear hushed angry whispers…my walls are extremely thin so I hear even when a tiny pin drops.
Confused I padded to the sitting room and find my boyfriend and best friend in a heated argument,too close to be comfortable,thinking nothing of it I clear my throat to call their attention to me.
Startled,they Yelp and turned at the same time looking at me with wild eyes
"Umm, what's going on?,...what are you two arguing about again?"
" Oh nothing babe..just our usual bickering"damon reply first coming close to kiss me.pulling back too fast.
Noting that,I say nothing and just turn waving them off
"Stop fighting like kids guys.. Camille come help me with my makeup and hair".
"Yea…yeah sure" she stutters, hurriedly packing her things from the couch and hurrying to me.
Frowning, Camille never stutters.
We hurriedly did my makeup and hair..grab my purse and we leave the house..
I look very beautiful tonight.and my boyfriend doesn't even notice.didn't even compliment me.But I would not allow that to spoil my mood..I intend to have fun tonight.