SONG FOR THIS CHAPTER:

GLIMPSE OF US-JOJI

CHAPTER 1

SUZANNE

July 15, 2022, Friday

Present Day

I was soaking myself naked on this hotel’s bathtub.

Never in a million years I have imagined myself coming to this situation.

The situation where it was as if I could do nothing. It's as if no matter what I do, there's really nothing I can do. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting for something that I don’t know what. I feel like I am drowning in a dark and deep sea with almost nothing to hold onto and nothing to touch, and I am drowning as the sea water making its way inside my lungs. I feel like I’m slowly being eaten up by my own self. I feel like everything will be just fine when I’m gone. When in fact, everything happens because of me.

There’s no point in living this place at all. When all the point is him. But he would be better off without me, he would be fine living his best life without me when he himself gave up his just for me to live freely. I guess, it’s my turn to return the favor. It’s my turn to show him how much I love him with my all.

I feel so broken, and in pain. And believe me, I wished and prayed that I want it to go away. I want this unbearable pain to end. I want to be happy, but no matter what I do, I can’t. I guess this pain is never-ending. I guess it’s on my bones or even on my soul.

Then I think of Winter. Does she need me?

No. she doesn’t need someone like me, someone who will ruin everything for her in the future.

She will live just fine without me. I know she’s too young, but she will grow up not even have a single memory out of me. and that’s fine. Believe me, it’s fine. Just make everything easier. I still don't want her to remember me and cry every night that I am no longer with her. I want her to forget about me and everything I did. Like a ghost, or maybe like a wind that’s just pass by her life.

I was once the happiest among them all. I used to love life. I used to smile so bright that everyone who is sad will envied off. My Father calls me his own sunshine because he said in his own words that I can alone light up his world. My mother used to call me her Love, but right now I don’t think she loved me even more.

I disappoint them in all aspects I can think off. I gave them nothing but trouble.

I didn’t know when I started feeling this way, I remember that I feel this way before I met him. And once again, he makes me the happiest.

In the shortest way possible, he made me feel loved and happy.

He gave me everything he can offer. And I couldn’t be more thankful.

Because of him, I get to live that life.

You see, before I met him. I am not a always the happy one. I have my own darkness too that I tried very hard to hide to everyone. And I even tried to hide it from him, but he peels me layer by layer until he actually saw who I really am. What’s underneath the smile. What’s underneath the posh life and fancy cars.

He knows me, he knew better than anyone. He knew me better than I know myself.

And I owe him.

I remember then, as we lay on his little bed. I promised him that I would give everything I could give him. He pointed at my chest, where my heart was placed. He told me "I have nothing else to ask of you but your heart." He said. I cried, I don't know why. But the way he told me that send me in whirlwind of emotions. I nod relentlessly at him while kissing him on his soft lips and I repeatedly promised him that my heart is only with him, I will only give it to him. That it is his to keep forever.

That is why I am here. Inside this hotel, all alone. Once again, with no one.

I am here to fulfill my promise to him.

Back then, almost everyone told us that what we have is just a simple love. A puppy loves. That we are too young to know what love exactly is.

I almost believed them all, but every time I thought about how we could love, fight, cry and laugh. I know it's not just puppy love that everyone experiences. I know and I know he also knows that what we have is beyond that. What we have is infinite. Because if not, why did he do that? Why did he sacrifice himself for me? And why am I here now, to do everything he did for me back with him.

Love is selfless, love is sacrifice.

And I know I am doing all these just because of love.

Because of my great love, and I wouldn’t even regret it even if I took my last breath.

I closed my eyes as I relaxed myself in the tub that is full of water.

I imagined the first night I saw him standing at the dark forest, looking back at me.

The place is dark, he was wearing all black like a Rockstar he is.

But he managed to light up that night.

How I wish, I could turn back time, because this is my favorite memory of him. It will be forever engraved in my heart even if I forget about it sometime.

This is the night I first saw the man I will love for the rest of my life. This is the night I knew; this man is mine. And no one else.

I smiled at the memory, it will be the happiest memory for me.

The happiest because this is where I got to know him.

The happiest because this is where I met him.

I seem so happy now, as I let myself slip further deeper on the tub. I just closed my eyes, and instead of being afraid, I am calm and at peace. The deeper I get, the more excited I have become.

He was waiting for me at the dark forest after all, I imagined him offering his hands out to me as I walk close on him and when I hold his hands, everything went dark.