What is a dream? Some people said that a dream is an unconscious series of thoughts in a person’s mind while sleeping. Some would say that a dream is an aspiration, desire, or ambition that people have in their minds. Some would also say it represent their worries and concerns.
But those are not applicable to Qin Ruo. As a Prime Minister’s daughter, she wouldn’t have any trouble. Her food and accommodation are perfectly provided befitting her status. As a talented and cultivated girl, she didn’t has any worldly desire.
If obtaining happiness can be said as a desire, then the only desire she has is to see her family be together and happy. That is her only small wish.
However, if only a dream is a series of thoughts, how can she keep having this dream repeatedly every night. The visions are too real. Haunting her every day. Until she becomes afraid of closing her eyes.
Imagine, if a young girl having trouble sleeping, why her family does not notice? Why no one aware of her problem?
Her father, Minister Qu Fe De is too busy handling national’s affairs that he was not able to return home frequently and even attending his personal matter. While her first, second, and third brother are in the academy. Studying and preparing them to be a scholar in assisting Emperor Xin’s reign.
Her mother, Yi Xu, unfortunately, passed away after giving birth to Qin Ruo. Sometimes, she even blaming herself for became a reason for her mother’s death even though no one says anything. The self-blaming thought bottled up in her mind making her became a quiet and reserved person.
Growing up in that lonely environment, she also learns to be a sensible child. Qin Ruo goes to each class arranged such as embroidery lessons, drawing arts, and guqin musical instruments without fail and tries her hardest in learning them all.
Even though her fingers are hurting and sometimes become numb due to the tension while plucking those strings. Even though her blood spilled while practicing the embroidery skilled as her fingers being pricked by the needle. Even though callus started to form on her palm as she holding the brush while practicing drawing.
It’s fine because she hopes that one day, her father and brothers would smile and pat her head. Telling her that she had done well. Thus she quietly endured, keep her spirit up high, and eager to do her best.
But after her 12 years old birthday, everything crumbling down. Her hope vanished. She tried to deny everything. Wishing that the dream only remains as a dream but the truth is not!
In Qin Ruo’s courtyard, she is sweating heavily on her bed. The clothes stick on her body. From her closed eyelid, her eyes move erratically.
Her body restlessly turning around. “No! Wake up! This is a dream! No!!!” Her eyes wide open as soon as she woke up from her nightmare.
She looks around her room and moves her hand to touch all over her body. “It’s okay. It’s okay” Qin Ruo talks to herself, ensuring herself that she is fine. Everything is fine.
After her breath becomes steady, Qin Ruo curled her small body into a ball. Her figure while sitting on her bed looks so vulnerable as if the slightest movement of wind can blow her away. She hides her sad face with her little palm.
The tears flow from her eyes slowly slipping out through her finger’s gap. She rubs the tears from her eyes but still, it continues leaking.
Knowing that there is no use in wiping off her tears, Qin Ruo let it flow down to her white and pale cheek. Let it eventually dry with time.
With that upright posture, she sits there emotionless. Looking at nothing with empty eyes as if her soul already gone disappeared into nowhere.
Her position is too stiff and it’s hard for normal people to maintain those posture for a long time but Qin Ruo is different.
She is someone that already been taught strict ethical values and adding her rigid attitude, sitting like this is so natural just like breathing to her.
From dark to sunrise, Qin Ruo was not able to close her eyes. She doesn’t want to fall asleep and feel the same pain over and over again.
Only after her faithful servant, Li Lei come then she return back to herself. “Young Miss, are you okay?” Li Lei asks with a worried face. Each morning she enters the room, she would find Qin Ruo would stare into space with that kind of loss of eyes. Lonely and desolate.
She noticed that it all started during Qin Ruo’s 12 years old birthday night. That night that should be filled with happiness to celebrate her birthday, however, that day was the same as other usual night.
It was so quiet and serene with all her siblings and father went to do their duty toward the nation. Only Qin Ruo and Li Lei remain at her courtyard. Her birthday is a taboo day of the years. Even though that was the day of her birth, it’s also the day of her mother’s death.
It’s not like Qin Ruo doesn’t want to celebrate her birthday but doing so would only make her feels like betraying her mother.
After Qin Ruo was asleep, Li Lei would prepare to leave the room. She blows out some candles to make sure that the room was dim enough so that Qin Ruo can be comfortable in her sleep.
Just as she closed the door and take a step back, suddenly she heard a scream full of agony coming inside the room.
Li Lei immediately open back the door and anxiously run to her miss. There on the bed, Qin Ruo is crying so miserable. The tears keep leaking.
“Li Lei, Li Lei... help me. What should I do?” Qin Ruo was crying. Her usual quiet demeanor was gone. Drowned in tears. Miserable and helpless.
“Young Miss, what is wrong?” Li Lei hold Qin Ruo while checking her condition to make sure she was not hurt. She moves her eyes all over Qin Ruo’s body but still doesn’t detect any injuries.
“No, you are the same as everyone else. You too will leave me”. Her voice is so quiet as if talking to herself but Li Lei still can hear her. Qin Ruo gently pushes Li Lei away.
This made Li Lei shocked. As a most loyal servant to Qin Ruo, taking the role as her mother while staying beside her and watching her grown up, she never once being pushed away by Qin Ruo.
“No! I am your faithful servant. I will not leave you”. Her voice shaken as she holds Qin Ruo’s hand.
Maybe being put aside by her family makes Qin Ruo feels lonely. Li Lei tries to put it as the consideration for the cause of Qin Ruo’s sudden emotional burst.
“Believe me, Young Miss. I will always be with you”. Li Lei grips her hand tightly to convey her heart.
Qin Ruo smiles at Li Lei. Li Lei may think that Qin Ruo is going to be fine if not because of her gaze. Desolate and deserted.
How can the small girl in front of her be able to make that kind of expression? Qin Ruo is a quiet lady but never once she lived in despair.
Li Lei tried to talk to Qin Ruo in order to find out what is playing in her mind but it is no use. Qin Ruo insisted that she is fine.
If one doesn’t look closely at Qin Ruo, they would think that she didn’t do anything unusual. Still learning diligently every day. Continue practicing her skills without fail.
However, at least, a day in one week, Li Lei would accompany Qin Ruo to go to the temple as her young miss would pray earnestly. Sometimes Qin Ruo didn’t even realize that she prayed until her tears flow out.
It breaks Li Lei’s heart to see that. So she tried to talk to Minister Qu about Qin Ruo’s condition but her words didn’t reach him since there are lots of affairs he needed to handle such as refugees matter and a decreased in border supplies.
So in the end, what Li Lei able to do is just continue to accompany Qin Ruo and stay by her side. She longing for a smile to appear on that sad face and she is willing to pay everything for that to come true.