How did it feel to be depressed all day? I don't know, I was crushed when my boyfriend died of cancer, and even though it's been a month, I still can't forget about him because the sense that he's still here next to me haunts me every day.
Depression is a state of mind that I am feeling right now. I get "low" or "blue" every now and then, but the feeling passes after a few hours or days. I'm so lost without him; my world is so black and white now, like if Miguel took the colors out of my existence when he left me.
I reopened my phone and noticed my screen wallpaper, which included Miguel's cheerful smile. I burst into tears, then heard thumps of feet approaching my room and a knock on the door. I sniffed and wiped the tears from my eyes. "Mom?" I murmured softly, and as the door opened, I saw my mother bringing a plate of food, her expression worried about me, and she didn't seem pleased to see me in this state.
"I am not happy to see you like this, Cassandra. You are not eating your food and you lost a lot of weight, what do you want to do with your life?"
Because of how I'm feeling right now, my mother asked me things that I can't fully answer.
"Mom, I'm grieved by Miguel's death. You have no idea how I feel." I responded to my mother, who had just placed the food on my room's center table. I noticed her deep sigh and glanced at me as if she was worried about me and completely distraught.
"Cassandra, for the love of God! Miguel has been gone for a long time. I'm sure Miguel is happy in paradise now, and you need to move on as well!" My mother told me that, pleading with me to return to normalcy, but I can't, I can't accept the truth that the guy I cherished had died.
"Do you expect me to forget him? I love him, mom. I love him so much that to the fact that I want to join him too... in heaven!" I said but my voice croaked. I see how my mother change her expression when she heard that from me, I see how her mouth fell in disbelief.
"Cassandra! You need to get help...why do you need to say that? I am still here for you. I am your mother that loves you and cared for you, Please come back to the real you..." My mother"s voice is soothing to my ear like she wants to heal the pain in me. I close my eyes
I manage to rise up and calm down despite the fact that my head hurts. I hugged my mother and murmured to her, "I'll be fine, mom, but you need to leave right now or you'll be late for work."
"Are you sure you are alright?"
"I'm alright, all I need is some rest, and don't worry, I'll eat this food that you prepared for me, Thank you," I assured my mother that then I closed the door of my room once my mother have already left the house. My mother is a nurse in some areas in our town, she is a busy woman and I admired her for being so helpful with so many stubborn patients.
And then in one moment, I swallowed all of my sleeping tablets and it happened so fast; it felt like the darkness was beckoning me and swallowing me, and I didn't feel anything after that.
When I regained consciousness, I noticed that the color of my room had changed to white and plain and that when I managed to move my body, I groaned because I feel exhausted. When the door opened and I saw the very gorgeous doctor, he look so young to be a doctor but whatever, his eyes are a type of ocean blue, so deep and not too shallow and he appears so sophisticated in his white long coat, that I blink many times and ask him.
"What am I doing here?"
"Hello, Miss Cassandra Scott. I am your Psychiatrist and-" I cut him from speaking and he raised his eyebrow at me.
"Wait, what? A psychiatrist? I am not crazy!"
"Yes, I am aware that you are not insane, but your mother's information indicates that you had dysthymia."
I took a deep breath and kept my arms at my sides as I was taken aback by what he said. I'm not sure how I feel, and I'm not sure what my mother was thinking of putting me here.
"If you don't understand what I'm talking about-" I cut him again, oh god, I despise physicians, medication, and their treatment, since it never helps me, and if medication helps sick people, Miguel will survive.
"I understand of what you're talking about, but I don't think this is how I should be admitted in this f*cking hospital."
The doctor in front of me just stares at me blankly; I can see he's not pleased with my demeanor. I looked at him, too, because he seemed harmless, but no... I'm not staring at him. Because he makes me nervous, I looked down and bit my nail.
"I am Dominic Lincoln. I'll be your Psychiatrist, and I'll assist you in dealing with your condition, now that you've awakened. I'd like you to answer a few questions for me." His kind of voice is deep and gentle to my ears so it helps calm my inner part, I see him picking up his pen and writing on his notepad.
I rolled my eyes, while he is looking at me sharply, I ask myself why I am here in this hospital? I dont want to be here and I am not a psycho and I dont have any depression, I am just sad. Just sad. Just like that. I shake my head and I told him "No...I want to go home, I have classes, I am still a student. I will be failed in my studies if you dont want to let go of me." I begged him but he seemed not serious with my dilemma.
"If you don't follow my advice, like Therapy and medications, you will likewise fail." Dominic said calmly to me.
"I can"t believe this!" I screamed at him.
"Do you have a sad or gloomy mood for most of the day or nearly every day? Yes or no is the response." He asks me the question as if I'm going to answer it. I'll figure out a way to get out of this private hospital. I can't stay here because it's making me sick.
"I am waiting for your response, Miss Scott." He stared at me again with his serious face but I dont care that he is handsome, or being my hot psychiatrist. I dont want to be admitted here as his patient.
"I am not going to answer your question. You dont know anything about my life or what I was through when Miguel died!"
He smirked and he keeps writing on his notepad. "Okay, so Miguel is the reason why you are feeling sad every day, I take that as a yes to my question."
He paused for a moment and glance at me again. He walks towards me and he checks my expression. I looked away, I dont want to stare at him, and meeting his gaze is melting me.
"Do you have recurring thoughts of death or suicide, a plot to commit suicide, or a suicide attempt?"
I feel annoyed when he ask me that question because I remembered myself doing that. I sighed and the tears rolled down my face but I wipe my tears quickly because I dont want him to see me crying.
"Too many questions!" I snapped at him.
"You need to answer it, Miss Scott. I am just doing my job as your doctor. Then why did you take all of your sleeping tablets? That is a sign of attempting suicide." he tried to lecture me.
I gasped. How did he know that? Ah, because he is a doctor. I am so stupid.
I saw him check his wristwatch and he bit his lower lip, damn that is so hot. No, he is not hot. Never.
"Miss Scott, I'll talk to you again. Enjoy your lunch." He said and when he is about to leave me.
"Dominic!"
He raised his head in disbelief, I bit my lower lip. Did I make something bad? I dont think so. Calling his first name is not that bad.
"I wanna talk to my mom, I wanna get out of here."
He simply disregarded me and exited my room. Oh, he's being so impolite.
I turned the doorknob and walked out of my room, defiant as ever. This does not appear to be a hospital; rather, it appears to be a private patient's residence, and I was astonished when Dominic Lincoln appeared in front of me. I'm gasping for air because he surprised me.
"What the f*ck!" I exclaimed.
"Be careful what you say, Miss Scott, and where are you going?"
"All I want to do now is get out of here."
"Oh, your mother told me you're in my care now; I promised her I'd look after you and attempt to heal you using my expertise." He was professional in his response. I swallowed hard because I couldn't believe my mother had done this to me.
"This is unbelievable!"