It was hard to describe what I was feeling. I couldn’t understand this strange emotion that was bubbling in my stomach. It was something I have never experienced before. I was trembling, my heart was racing, pounding furiously against my rib cage. What is this? I pondered.

Could this be it? That thing I have always been hearing about. Have I finally experienced it? My lips parted, forming a smile as I finally came to a realization. I have read about this feeling countless times and I think I have finally understood it.

In the quest to understand myself better, I have taken up to books as a moth to a flame. I have been pouring into books, reading a lot of articles and watching videos.

Putting to practice all that I have read and watched. But none of what I have learned could hold a candle to this. This feeling of euphoria. I could climb mount Everest and back. I wish I could scream it to the world…

I THINK I AM IN LOVE

***

As a child, I was the quiet kid and a bit of a loner. This developed my observing skills. I was told that I didn’t cry when I was born and this made my parents quite worried. They feared I would be mute, or, worse, dumb. But the doctors reassured them, “Some babies don’t cry when they are born, but they do grow up to be excellent speakers, even becoming a public speaker.” He had said. He continued that it wasn’t something to be worried about.

And as luck would have it, I cried the next day when I got up. My parents were very happy. According to them, “I haven’t realized I was out of the womb in the hospital, that was why I didn’t cry.”

Anytime I hear the story, I usually laugh because it was quite absurd, but I have never called their bluff. It is better they continue to believe it.

Growing up, I found it difficult to relate with other kids of his age. I couldn’t experience but they were feeling. Their smiles, laughs, and even cries were alien to me.

I was eight years old when my mum finally came to a realization that something was wrong with me. I wasn’t like other children and it was giving her a great deal of stress. She took me to the hospital and some test and diagnostics were ran and there I first learnt what was wrong with me...

“Alexithymia,” as the doctor called it. The difficulty experiencing, identifying and expressing emotions. According to google, people with alexithymia experience confusion around bodily sensations connected to emotion and they struggle to communicate their emotions to others. It was unfortunate that I was among the unlucky 10% that it occurs in. Although it wasn't severe in my case.

Their fears were put to rest, now that they knew what was wrong with me. Although not completely. The doctor had advised that I should receive therapy, as it would help me with whatever I was battling with. So, they began to look for a suitable counselor to help. After much search, they found Mary.

Mary was truly a godsent, an angel in disguise. She was everything a therapist should be and more. I have Mary to thank for whatever development and improvement I have. She was kind and tenderhearted. She has a warm heart and a listening ear. I could go on and on about how wonderful Mary it and still not exhaust the pen.

School was just there, merely just a place to learn. I was an average student and a good kid, so i didn’t get into much trouble.

Then high school came. It was the worse, and no, I wasn’t getting picked on or bullied. I was just avoided like someone with leprosy. I guess people to find it hard to be friends with an “emotionless brat.”

I decided to take up reading to better understand myself and my emotions. With that, I began to develop the love for reading. Reading was a way of escape for me. I could always picture myself as the protagonist- smiling, laughing, and even crying. Books were a place for me to be what I couldn’t be in the real world.

I excelled well in my school work, graduating with a good score, well above average. I got admission to study photography and cinematography at a prestigious university.

It was funny how I chose photography. I have always wanted to study human psychology to better understand humans and their complex emotions or simply put, myself. And partly because of Mary. But after my parent got me my first camera as a birthday gift, my dreams changed.

Photography is truly amazing. You could see the world from another perspective, through a different lens. It was like viewing the world from a third person point of view. The lens is able to capture little, minute details the eyes may have missed and is able to store it for years. That camera was truly one of the best things my parents have given me to date.

University was totally different from what I have read or perceived it to be. It was a strange land with even stranger faces, different category of people going from place to place. It was quite strange with the way some people wore their heart in a sleeve, their facial expression could easily convey whatever they were feeling.

But I was able to survive the nightmare that was in college with the help of some amazing personalities.

Lucas, a computer science major, was a tall and lanky dude, but with a larger-than-life personality. He was the social butterfly of the group. His ability to make friends and just draw people towards him and make them fall in love with him is something I will never understand till date.

But underneath that loud personality, he is a softie and a real sweetheart. He is always willing to go the extra mile for his friends. He always wears his heart on a sleeve and his baby face is one that ladies can’t resist. It is quite shocking that he isn’t a playboy.

Miley is another of my friend that I am always grateful for. We were very close that people do think we are together. We never tried to deny it, it was futile doing so, we have simply come to accept it.

We met on my way to the lecture hall during her premed program. She was easily taken by me. “My well-structured feature didn’t help either.” She had said. I have gotten the best gene from both sides of my family and was very easy on the eyes.

She began to flock to me like a bee to a honeycomb. After several rejected attempts, she decided it was time to move on. That incident was the start of a great friendship. She was quite understanding when I told her of his condition and tried to better understand me by reading about it.

I was very touched by that act. It may seem little, but it left a mark in my heart. I was quite grateful for my friends, they made my uni. days bearable and memorable. It didn’t matter if I couldn’t express what I was feeling or respond to some things the way “normal” people could. They were genuinely happy to help me whenever the needs arise.