Four years, seven months and two days ago, I said 'yes to spending the rest of my life with Jude.

Our marriage was a glamorous and beautiful event, filled with happy and tearful faces. I had remembered how excited I felt when I set eyes on Jude on my wedding day.

He was dressed in a black tuxedo, and his hair had this shiny and wavy look that made me stare in amazement. I knew at that moment that I hadn t made a mistake…that choosing to marry Jude was the right decision.

I had squealed in excitement as I imagined our lives together- full of love, fun, laughter, and excitement.

If only I had known. I wouldn t be in this mess called marriage. I would probably be in Portugal, showing tourists beautiful landscapes or exploring cities around the world as a travel blogger. I might also be married to someone I truly love…who would stare at me with loving eyes and hold me as we walk down the street.

But not this life. Not with Jude- because I do not love him.

Jude growled in his sleep as his mouth fell agape and saliva drooled and moistened the pillow. I stared at him with disgust as I pulled the bedcovers away and sat upright. Every morning, when I rise from bed, I think of my life and regret making this decision—choosing to spend the rest of my life with Jude.

"It's 06:00 am," I tapped his arm as he mumbled in his sleep. "It is 06:00 am, Jude. Wake up!" I yelled and shoved him harder.

"Oh…Good morning, Susie," he muttered as he opened his groggy eyes and yawned loudly.

The putrid smell- like that of a refuse bin- oozed from his mouth as he greeted me. I turned sideways and covered my nose.

"Good morning," I responded in a brusque manner as I grabbed my shirt from the chair.

"Thanks for waking me up, sweetheart. This work stress is preventing me from waking up early. Or, should we just blame it on my laziness!" he chuckled as he pecked my cheek before leaving for the bathroom.

Jude was a tall and athletic man with dark skin the colour of chocolate. We had met in a restaurant on a fateful night when the rain fell down in sheets. Jude was putting on a blue t-shirt and sipping from a glass of mango juice. Our eyes met, and we knew there would be more to come. First, we would go on our first date and fall in love. Then get engaged in a beautiful city in Morocco and decide to spend the rest of our lives together.

I ignored him as I wore my shirt and grabbed my jotter from the cupboard. Early in the morning, I had a ritual of writing down my to-do lists and planning on accomplishing them before the end of the day.

However, my thoughts were clogged with the desire to end this thing called marriage. To walk away knowing full well that this would never work. I wished that I could garner the courage to express my thoughts with Jude.

But how would I do so? How could I break the news that I want to walk away from my marriage of over four years…for no tangible reason?

"I m going to the verandah to grab my shoes," Jude said as he stepped out of the bathroom. "Can you prepare rice for breakfast?"

I adjusted my shirt and glared at him. "Boiled rice at past 6:00 am?"

Jude shrugged. "Is it a big deal? I thought it s all about pouring grains of rice and water in a pot and placing on fire…"

I scrunched up my face in a frown as I tried to control myself from yelling. "It s not about that. I d also make stew. I d blend pepper and tomatoes…I cannot do that this morning, Jude."

"But that s what I want to eat," Jude protested. "Okay, we ll make this together," he concluded.

"But…" I tried to protest.

"Please. Please. Please." His face broke into a grin.

I muttered incoherently. "Okay, fine!" I said as he started to stroll out of the room.

"Before you leave, I need to remind you about a piece of advice I repeat every single morning; not to keep your white garment on the chair. There s a wardrobe…"

"…where it should be kept," Jude concluded, having memorised my usual morning rhyme. "I m sorry, babe.

That s why we were destined to be together. While I m a badly disorganised person, you re the neatest person I ve ever come across." He smiled before opening the door.

"And I don t think we re destined to be together. I think we ve made a mistake," I said in an inaudible tone as I heard Jude shut the living room door from behind.

A comforting smile spread across my face as I walked towards the bathroom door. It was one of the moments I cherished a lot- When Jude would leave the room or for work. All in all, periods Jude wasn t at home.

***

"…so, Nathan enters the conference room and single-handedly presented an invitation card to me," Jude was saying as he served the steaming rice into two ceramic plates.

"No!" I protested as he poured a spoon of rice into another plate.

"No, he didn t present the card? Of course, he …" he prattled in a confused tone.

I cut in. "I m talking about the food. I told you I m not ready. I ll eat later," I explained with a frown.

Jude tapped a leg hard on the floor. "Oh my gosh. I totally forgot." He stated as he poured the rice back into the pot. His hands wobbled, and the ceramic plate fell onto the ground with a loud thud.

"Jude!" I yelled as I squirmed out of where I was standing. Hot rice sprayed on both legs as I hurried out of the kitchen for safety.

"I m sorry…I ll just clean up the place. I m sorry, babe. Hope you didn t get injured?"

"I m fine. Just take care of the mess," I muttered as I sat on the couch. "You re almost late for work. Will you still have time to eat breakfast before leaving?"

Jude said from the kitchen. "I don t think so. I ll just go and have a bathe…and prepare for work."

I rolled my eyes in disgust as I opened the novel lying on the stool. "Why did you bother me if you know you wouldn t be able to eat? Why do you keep doing this, Jude?"

Jude walked out of the kitchen with a frown. Sweat filled his face and shoulders as he sat on a stool. "The broken plate caused the whole mess. I should better hurry to the bathroom."

I gazed at Jude as he walked out of the living room; the man who had stolen my heart years ago…or I had thought he did so.

What could have changed? Was it that I had gotten so used to him that his sight doesn t catch my attention again? Maybe no married woman reveals her innermost mind. Maybe we all face this after several years of marriage. Maybe every married woman wakes up one morning and realise that she doesn t love her husband anymore.

***

A knock on the living room door distracted me from what I was preoccupied with. I placed my laptop on the table and removed my rounded pair of spectacles. "Who s there?" I asked.

I was preparing a new content calendar for the posts I planned on updating on my Instagram page.

"It s me! Annette!"

"Yay! Annette visited today!" I screamed in excitement as I hurried to open the door for my younger sister.

Annette, who had just completed her bachelor s programme, was preparing to proceed for the one-year mandatory National Youth Service Corps. She was also planning to get married to her fiancé, Lance.

"Look who s looking charming!" I grinned at her as she walked into the living room.

Annette was dressed in a brown kimono and black pair of stiletto heels. Her lips glimmered with flavoured gloss as she smiled in return. "Hey, big sis! You are so good at flattering."

"Who is flattering you? I can see sparkles coming out of you!" I said as Annette laughed loudly.

Annette was a petite and caramel-skinned lady with sparkling eyes and a bright smile. She pulled her shoes away and loosened the ropes of her kimono. "I m hungry. What can this famished little girl eat?"

I pointed a finger at the kitchen door as I picked up my laptop. "Jude and I made boiled rice and beef stew in the kitchen. It is more than enough."

Annette gave me a knowing smile. "You both cooked together? Is this a sign your relationship is working out?"

I winced as I raised a hand in disagreement. "I think it worsened. Jude ended up pouring a large amount of rice and breaking my favourite plate. It was a disaster, Annette."

"That was a simple mistake anyone could have made, including you, Susan. Remember when you poured a whole pot of chicken stew because you refused to visit the toilet when your bladder was full?" Annette snickered as she watched me with mockery eyes.

"That was over thirteen years ago. Things are different now," I said defensively.

"What of last month? You mistakenly broke a plate at Rita s engagement party. You thought the guest had grabbed the plate but unknowi…" Annette was saying when I interrupted.

"You win, Annette. No one is above mistakes. Can I continue my work?" I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, ma am!" she smirked as she entered the kitchen.

The week s order of stiletto heels on my Instagram page was three times more than what I received last month. As I wondered what could have caused a surge in demand for shoes, my phone rang beside me.

"Hello," I picked hastily.

"Hi. This is Adams from Surulere. My wife s birthday is in a week, and I need the perfect surprise gift for her. But, please, I don t really know much about women s fashion items…so, I ll need your guide while ordering from you."

'When was the last time Jude told me a surprise gift or took me on a surprise outing… I thought.

"Are you there, Ma?"

"Yes, I am. I ll send pictures of three brands of stiletto heels with unique colours. No woman would say no to any of them," I responded as I went through my gallery.

"Thanks so much. I ll be expecting the pictures. Have a nice day," Mr. Adams said.

"You too," I said as I hung up.

Annette appeared beside me with a plate of rice as I dropped my phone beside me. "A man wants to purchase a surprise gift for his wife. He wants to present it on her birthday," I informed Annette.

She widened her eyes in surprise. "You see, sister. Not all marriages are falling apart. Who knows? They may have spent 20 years together. I want my marriage to be this way, and I can t wait to get married to Lance," Annette said dreamily.

I stared at her with thoughtful eyes. "Why do you want to do this? Do you have to get married now?"

Annette wrinkled her brows in confusion. "Yes, I have to. I ve found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. So what could stop me?"

"Uncertainty. You have other goals to fulfill. Must you choose marriage at this point in life? You see, Annette, I regret saying yes to Jude as at the time I did. I believe I was not ready then."

"If we keep delaying it, we will never be ready. We will keep making excuses for ourselves. Masters today, job tomorrow," she argued, picking up the remote and stretching her hand to change the channel.

"You re right, though," I said as I searched the pictures category for brands to send.

A picture of Jude and me popped up on the screen. We had taken the picture in our second year of marriage when we visited his mother. Jude had taken the time to defend me and explain why we haven t started raising children.

"Sister, Susan," Annette called my attention.

I turned to see her staring at me with sympathetic eyes. "Is this because of your struggle to conceive? Maybe that issue is…"

"Please, can we not talk about this now?" I glared at her, and she got the message immediately.

Annette resumed eating and watching the TV as I sent the images to Mr. Adams. "I have this strong belief that you still love your husband. I knew how your relationship started. I remember how you were head over heels with him."

"Maybe that was just infatuation. I m trying my best, okay? Every single morning I wake up, I try to find reasons to spend the rest of the day with him. I strive to find a reason not to pack my bags before the day ends and leave for good," I was saying when my phone chimed with a new notification.

Jude had sent a message via WhatsApp.

Hello, beauty. How s your day going? Hope your phone is beeping with new notifications?

- Jude.

Yes, it is. Thank you. I have received lots of orders today.

- Susan.

Currently eating curry rice and smoked fish. Lunch is soo delicious I mistakenly spilled oil on my white shirt. I feel like a child right now. LOL.

- Jude.

Oops. Sorry.

- Susan.

Can you buy bleach before I arrive home? I need to soak this shirt because I ll wear it on Wednesday.

- Jude

No problem.

- Susan.

You know I love you, Susan. I ll never stop loving you, as long as I breathe.

- Jude.

Same here.

- Susan.

I muttered between breaths as I logged into Instagram to respond to pending messages from customers.