For all of my adult years i assumed i was just born broken, after 28 years of living in denial im finally ready to confront and talk about what happened to me in hopes to properly heal and move forward. If i can help another person in this whos going through or has been through trauma. I can walk away with some light in this situation.
After half a lifetime of medication to numb the pain, being diagnosed with 'ocd and anxiety' even post pardom depression, trying desperately to get to the bottom of why i live my life every day on edge, why the smallest issues feel like mountains and why i could never truly find my happiness.
It wasn't until I met this person who came into my life unexpectedly and somehow after only 1 month of knowing him, he pointed out things most people were probaly to afraid to. He touched on my childhood and for some reason tears were immediately brought to my eyes, i tried to push it to the back of my mind, ive always acknowledged my childhood wasnt perfect but why did i have so much pain when anyone ever asked about it or mentioned how good there childhood was? how privledged they were, only then did i feel a wave of complete jealousy and sorrow, but why? I never truly understood why i felt these things until this man brought it to my attention and the feelings came up again that i decided to actually sit with my feelings and investigate it. In that moment it felt like a door creeped open, very slowly but as much as it started to bring back those feelings again, i couldn't help but walk through it. When i did, thats when it hit me like a ton of bricks. Emotion ive never felt before, thoughts came racing back to me and as soon as that started happening i shut that door so fast because the emotions i felt were something I've never experienced, it was to painful to allow myself into that realm, so i tried desperatley to burry them once again.
Later that day I couldn't stop pacing the house, i tried to blame it on my stress levels with everyday things such as life and being a mum, because I think for me that was easier to accept then the harsh reality of what was behind that door. Thats when i realised as hard as it was I needed to push myself as close to that door as possible because those feelings I felt when that door jarred open, although smacked me like a ton of bricks, part of me wanted so badly to see what was waiting behind it, something inside me gave me enough strength to walk through. When i did that my whole reality for what i thought i was came crumbling down.