Have you ever screwed your life so bad because you don't want to live? I don't even want to continue it. I feel like I'm destined to hurt for no valid reason. I just keep on working only because of my mother.

Living here in this cruel word will makes me more hurt. I can't take my eyes off or cover them to be blind to what I see.

In the sideways prophecy, my vision blurred as I watched the people gather and walk like ants. It's the same time today. It's snowing and it makes me more cold. If I didn’t have a friend with me I don’t know if I would still be happy.

Well, at least they are here ...

I can still party like when I was in college. I sighed.

The wind blown upon my face which makes my hair move. It's so cold here and I can't take it anymore. I'm used to the weather here because I've been working here abroad. But I still couldn’t avoid the cold.

America is a great place. It's cold here than the Philippines, speaking of ... I'm going home to the Philippines, I'm just sorting out my paperwork. Once when I'm done fixing it I'll go immediately to the airport and visit my our small village in an Isla. I will be visiting my mother Isabella and my aunt Lea.

When I pursued architecture and worked here in America our financial became stable I was able to support my mother’s needs. It wasn’t like before that I didn’t have the capacity to help because I couldn’t do anything. The teen Reina Amara is gone and never will be.

I will never go back in time.

I made a lot of mistakes back then in deciding things, well, I can say that I learned from that. I changed and I know ... I will correct my decisions now. But I will never go back to someone again.

I was so busy thinking that my hands trembled, especially because of the pain in my chest. Fear, utter fear enveloped my system ... fear of seeing him again.

Who will be stupid for that? It's just a nonsense fucking reason probably he's everywhere. He has the capability, he's rich, his famous and he can go anywhere he wants.

It's not that I shouldn't be afraid I didn't make a mistake, he did. Why will I feel guilt, huh? Cold bothered me more with my thoughts.

He broke my trust. Poor him!

My tears flowed and I wiped them away with the backs of my hands. I adjusted my coat and walked to get to my condominium.

Everything now has changed. I would have called Jax when I got home in case I changed my mind because I knew he was busy right now with the projects he was receiving in Spain.

I can tell that Jax is successful while I don’t know why I even became an architect.

I knew he had a grudge against me and was angry because of what had happened. I didn't choose him but now I think it is. Yet I could still talk to him. He's been a good friend and a close one.

I am too scared when choosing things now. I knew there were consequences and was afraid of making mistakes again ... if I had distanced myself from that person before and suppressed what otherwise there should have been no problem, no one would have been hurt. Stupid old me!

I wish I had a happy life with Jax.

I sighed as I remembered those days. I will take a leave for now in our architectural firm. And maybe tomorrow I'll accomplished everything and I'll let my friends here first. I knew Lydia and the others would not agree but they could do nothing.

I almost run out of breath due to many things in my head.

I moved into my condo in my fourth year here in America I adopted their culture as well. Whatever Ashley forced me to work for the David Arthur Company at DAC in the Philippines I didn’t want because I was just thinking that I might be treated there highly because Ashley is my close friend.

So I persevered to leave the country and earn money here. I feel that I run all of the problems I have, running and running to get rid of them. But I think I'm wrong the problems keeps chasing me all along. Don't leave me!

I took off my thick coat and hung it on the hanger inside my bedroom. I went to the small bathroom inside my bedroom and took a shower. I stuck in the mirror as I saw my tired self.

Shit! I need to unwind myself. I look haggard and stressed!

I can see with tears in my eyes now. I just went out earlier to take a walk outside the condo, but because of the cold, I came back.

My stomach growled as I closed my eyes. I need to cook. I immediately went out of my room and went to kitchen to find some food to cook. I know everything I can cook, work, and every responsibility I have.

I became aware of the hard life from the small Island and things to learn. I can manage everything in result I don't need a man to help me. I don't need them!

I prepared the ingredients of the pasta and I started slicing the onion and garlic. I waited minutes until someone called. I took my cellphone out of my pocket and answered the call.

"Oh, Samantha?"

"Rei!" she exaggerated.

Even though I can't sense in her voice that she wants to tell me a lot.

"What?" I smiled.

"Are you about to come home here? I damn miss my you!" she said in a loud voice.

"Wait Lauren! Easy ... I might be deaf. You're excited!" I joked with him. She just frowned because of that.

"So what is it?" she asked, losing patience now.

"I'll be back ..." It's almost a whisper.

"Really? I'll wait for you. Tell me when so that I can go to the airport to pick you up"

"No ... no ... no need, it's embarrassing. You have many things to do in your business" I answered quickly.

"It's okay Reina! What are you? I miss you like I'm not your friend, eh" she pouted.

"All right ... I'm ready" I let out a sigh. I can't seem to smile right now I'm afraid I'll see him back but I hope he's gone and he won't show up again!

"Just text me, alright?" she said in calm voice now.

"Yup"

I dropped the call and sniffed while looking at the food when it was cooked. I first sat on the countertop while waiting for the pasta to cook. I tried to open my youtube to watch something entertaining while waiting.

Shit!

I was on my forehead when Luke's face popped up right there! His previous movies then or anywhere on the social media continent are still trending. "Tss ..." I just turned around and turned off the cellphone.

I returned myself to cooking and picked up the food. I frowned as I prepared my meal. After a while I sat down at the small dining table. I have my own condo and I save money because of this! Four years of being here.

That's just right for two people but I'm alone so it's more comfortable. My mouth was full with just pasta while chewing. I drank iced tea. I surveyed the entirety of my condo.

It looks nice and clean. The designs are very well built and I like it!

After eating I put away the food and went to the sink to wash them. When I finished it I wiped my wet hands and went inside my bedroom.

I sat up in bed and leaned my back slightly on the soft headboard. I closed my eyes and let out a deep sigh. There’s a pain I feel in my chest and I can’t explain.

I'm almost out of breath because I'm already abusive. Shit! Why do I feel uncomortable I haven't even walked barefoot at the airport it's like my feet want to recede!

I opened my eyes and closed my eyes as my eyes hit the guitar that had not been opened. Ever since I lived alone I didn't know what for and I even bought before.

"Good afternoon, ma'am" greeted me by the woman who seemed to be assisting buyers in an instrument shop.

I smiled at her and rolled my eyes and walked away. She followed me.

My eyes lit up as my feet carried me to the guitars. "This one please ..." I said then and smoke came out of my mouth because it's raining ice now.

"You wanna try it, ma'am?" the lady asked.

"Uh ... no thanks" I smiled raw.

I paid at the counter and took home the guitar that was brown and brand new. It was like my heart was pounding because I thought I was stupid. Why did I even buy it? "I still remember him, eh, I even forgot to play." I hissed as I closed my eyes.

For what, Reina?

Out of anger I put the shiny guitar back in the pouch and set it aside, leaning against the wall.

I shuddered remembering why I had even bought. It's just a waste of money. It will only reminds me of him. For sure!

My heart was pounding with excitement a few years later and now I just touched it again. It was a bit dusty so I rubbed it and wiped it.

I tuned the guitar in the right tone. I arranged to sit on the bed and then inhaled the air. I started to strum and started playing. I can almost hear my own heartbeat because of the madness I feel.