Dear diary, today I am thinking about the past why did things end up the way it did simply I don't know maybe just because you look back when you transition into a new home a new state and you start taking your vitamin herbal supplements. for the past two months and you sit back and you think about how now that you're focusing memory and clarity but you still need something for your ovulation and your anger bipolar but you're better than what you used to be. So what are you thinking about really the fact that when you were a child it started with you and your mother and your sister your mom duck your sister Nani and you Jacqueline Robinson your daddy huggy . Your family was the Black widow family also known as the Scorpio family because when I was a kid you guys did nothing but go to school come home from school you were already diagnosed as disabled so wasn't your sister and your daddy you don't remember him you don't even think you have a father until years later. But you know you have a step daddy twan. I grew up around abusive gange at a young age but there was no explanation nobody told you why nobody told you anything you were just a child. But there happens to be someone that thinks that you're not his kid because of the color of your skin the texture of your hair the color of your eyes the shape of your eyes but your mixed confusion he doesn't sign your birth certificate you realize that when you got to your new place because you had the focus to think about it the clarity remembering everything that happened back every thing that happened back then. Then out of nowhere you end up in a situation to where you and your sister is watching your mother get abused and it's by your step daddy twan Nani your sister doesn't talk about it but when you remembered you were able to talk about it so what happened back then you know he was an alcoholic you and your sister were only five to six years old and when you grew up eventually you started to think about how he used to dance to his music rap music how much people that he was hanging out with he got jumped in gang and we just didn't know what to do we were on SSI disabled little girls . Personally when you moved away your little brother is 20 years old and he happens to have a relationship with his father a little bit somewhat but me and my dad when I grew up he ended up becoming DJ huggy and I ended up saying it to myself the relationship that we have is better than no relationship at all. When you were a kid your dad also was a part of a gang but he ended up getting jumped out both of your dad's got jumped out.now there is a question that you would say to yourself not only that but you had Grandma India that was in your life you also had people like your sister Nani and auntie mooka and Grandpa brownie .Grandma India was in a relationship with Grandpa brownie they were good grandparents but they had something called a little bit of everything that my mom didn't have see my mom was a nurse for about 17 years wiping butt taking care of elderly people but she wasn't getting paid enough back when I was a child. a job was hard enough she got her GED and now that I'm older I've seen her finish college take trades looking back at all the hard work she did when she was raising us and now how she has to work extra hard just to keep a roof over our heads but the problem about why I miss my my grandma India is because when I was a kid not only did she provide the holidays but she also knew that she could take us out on vacations like The great escape and watch scary movies do things like take us to the mall we used to shoplift also we went to the beach lake George Monroe lake and cooked out saw the fireworks in the winter we would cook watch movies open up Christmas presents sometimes she'll perm your hair sometimes we will do Easter eggs get Easter baskets sometimes I miss every aspect of brownie and Grandma's love that they had for one another but you know when you grow up and there's no presents you have to be shown tough love and try to survive without . it's whatever you think that brownie grandma fell out of love with each other because they stopped going on vacation like Florida and stop going to the beach in The great escape she couldn't work no more because she had arthritis in her hands he was still working all day he cheated on her she went out and also decided that she was tired so we didn't know what really happened. did she cheat or did he cheat well your grandma decided that she wanted to go back to drugs and it was self-abuse because she was lonely depressed and she couldn't work so me and my sister always came to visit and it was hard at the time because you didn't understand why she was always leaving the house while you had to get up and leave and you and your sister used to pray with her light candles . she cried you missed her cooking always love her roast collard greens her southern food but all reality you ended up in a situation to where as a kid you look back at all the fun times you had now you could honestly say that between your mom working as a nurse your grandmother cleaning hotels and your aunt mookie being the biggest dealer of New York it's crazy you would think that you would give your grandma for credit for throwing the holidays and your mom credit for working for 17 years and raising three kids by herself the credit the credit would go to Mom . Drug dealers that get money got all the credit such as Aunt mookie.that gets money get all the credit in the end the kids as well dressed they get credit it's not about the fun times anymore the holidays it's just about being drunk smoking gang banging. You were also able to tell that when you looked at your step daddy twan from abusing your mom and gang banging that he would sit back and change because he went to jail for 10 years maybe longer. So there was a things going on in your family even your dad your real dad he might have been confused about if you were his kid and you're still this day we're still not sure so because I never seen any proof no birth certificate signed not even blood work we don't look alike but we both have bipolar anxiety as well like the racing thoughts but we also know in the end you're not ovulating from medication that you were on such as the risperidone and then they switched you into invega but you still weren't sure why you were taking that for years because they didn't tell you the truth about the side effects which is why we don't know if you're permanently damaged or not. Your family judged you because you were sick but nobody bothered taking you to the hospital at all your grandmother India ended up passing away and you and your sister Nani ended up feeling so upset I cried talk myself to sleep had my own apartment went to the funeral cried again and ever since then the family has tried to come together to celebrate for the holidays the cooking the food traveling it's not the same as it used to be when Grandma passed away I wanted grandmother to get married again so I prayed to God and asked that he will send her angel to marry her such as people that I had did that before to that crossed over that was suffering. I cried It didn't taste the same good as of food like Grandma's. Southern style I didn't get no presents for Christmas not my birthday I was just happy to have a hot meal some wine and be able to hang out and talk to the family and give them hugs but I had so much sickness to my body between smoking cartons of cigarettes medication side effects I ended up looking like the enemy just because when I was in my house talking to myself a lot have a racing thoughts I tried to teach and preach but you know what all in the end till this day when I hit 18 19 years old that's when I took the Bible seriously that's when I followed Moses in Jesus the ten commandments the archangels father God himself. But when I was a kid I prayed but did not no my Bible. Then when I moved to my new place I started to do my arts and crafts again and realized that I can write Chinese Asian Egyptian and I just had to learn what the symbols so it's up to me to choose my fate not for someone else to choose it for me I chose my own decision because I liked the way the story ended in the Egyptian and Buddhism story. Back to where I was at all the gang banging as a kid got mookie being the biggest dealer of New York your mom working as a nurse your grandma working in hotels but caught arthritis in her hands and couldn't work no more so brownie paid pay for the holidays and everything else. so didn't aunt mookie but nobody could cook like Grandma so aunt mookie got you presents but her sons had the most presents and the tree was always beautiful on Christmas and you also know that the food was always southern food and the spring of Summer you always went swimming watch the fireworks cooked out but there was favoritism in the family such as whether or not who get the travel with Grandma to Florida meet the other side of the family also got treated better but the family does favoritism the whole entire family does that it's a part of their ego it's part of their horoscope. so when you sit there every day and you think about how you were treated as the Black widow the dark skin girl Dominican chinky-eyed girl that ends it up with nothing but a SSI check every month half to shop for clothes and weave wash is set in your hair permanently your hair fell out because when your grandmother did your hair on holidays she made sure that she combed it but she didn't comb out underneath conditioner and you didn't understand how to detangle your hair for years then eventually you tried gluing tracks like your sister Nani and that's how your hair originally fell out they called you Dominica at a certain age until your hair fell out she curled your hair straightened it then suddenly she was so sweet to you again. not only that but you think that all your life have a chinky eyes and your dad has light brown honey your sister has honey. and chinky eyes and you end looking so different from everyone else but you eventually start reiki healing and tried to change your eye color and they came out light brown you also have almond skin and a beauty mark on your foot black hair a beauty mark on your lip pink ,lips your sister similar your older sister Nani she has a pink lips, long hair and she's light skin chinky eyes ,Chinese symbol , on the back of the neck we're both thick girls the little sister similar chinky eyes, light skin pink lips, light brown eyes, like me Dad huggy just looks totally different except for the smile and the mood swings anxiety we have the same last name but we're still not sure until this day without blood work or the signature on the birth certificate who's the real father of me my sister of course looks like a mixture of him Mom and my little sister my little brother shorty don't even look like me only the eyebrows in the hair color skin color but not absolutely 100% percent. Ever since I got into reiki healing chanting music Roots oil I figured that I will be able to ask for whatever I want but you know it doesn't always happen that way they go by your roots healing keeps the negativity away but it's not the same thing it's taking your vitamins teas you may be able to speak to nature but you're not no superhero. Meditation music chanting praying following the ten commandments is everything to me but you know all in the end staying away from negativities the is best thing because the more negativity that you bring in the more bad luck that you have the more positivity that you bring in the more good luck that you have. now that my eyes is a different color light brown and I am also not negative I also see my path clearer .talking to Chipmunks such as squirrels rabbits having eye competitions and everything else sometimes being able to wish that it will snow and it will. And knowing whether or not you are gossiping about me or not is like you are definitely in your spiritual mode thanks to growing up so much.